I was told don’t get drunk, take morphine instead
It was all going well but now I can’t feel my head

People said don’t do drugs, stick to cod liver oil
All I got was a fishy aftertaste and my appetite was spoiled

I find your lack of faith disturbing, actually it’s a disgrace
I understand why you’re sceptical, you have more eyebrow than face

I went to Thailand and saw things that I’d never want to see again
I’m not sure about beautiful women, the likelihood being they’re all men

CHORUS
I want to be talked about for all the right reasons
I want girls to blush when they’ve seen that I’ve seen them
I don’t wanna be talked about for getting things wrong
I want to get drunk and still finish this song

I’m not perfect, you should know I’m just talking, this is not rapping
Unlike you when I was born the first words I heard weren’t “accidents happen”

I kept all my old toys, they remind me of my youth
You want me to be honest but you can’t handle the truth

Liking a band like The Smiths should not be used as a fashion statement
Like Adele you should just give up, she just keeps chasing pavements

I’ve just topped perfection, you will never get above this
The likelihood being, you will love this

CHORUS
I want to be talked about for all the right reasons
I want girls to blush when they’ve seen that I’ve seen them
I don’t wanna be talked about for getting things wrong
I want to get drunk and still finish this song

I’m not working in a shop for the rest of my life
I learnt from James Bond that you only live twice
I don’t care if my drink’s shaken or stirred, as long as there’s ice
I’ll make my first million by 25, please call me Obie Trice

CHORUS
I want to be talked about for all the right reasons
I want girls to blush when they’ve seen that I’ve seen them
I don’t wanna be talked about for getting things wrong
I want to get drunk and still finish this song

NO FEAR

I’m always hitting, I never miss
So make me an other that I can’t resist
I’m always hitting, I never miss
You should know that I don’t negotiate with terrorists

You can tell me about your day, just try and include the best bits
And please don’t over pronounce your ‘h’s', we don’t need another “cool whip”

I want to drink high tea in Haiti, just to say that I’ve done it
I’m going to town tonight with Rihanna, she said me and her could run it

My first award will be an MTV Woodie, for erection of the year
If you’re wondering how I do it, it’s simple. I have no fear

CHORUS
You won’t believe that I’m back, but I’m not sticking around for good
Everything stays the same around here
You won’t believe what I’ve seen and I’d see it all again
I live because I can with no fear

This is a gift, this is not a curse
You never surprise me for the better, only for the worse
You didn’t break my heart, it’s just a minor fracture
I’m not like most people you’ll meet, I just survived the rapture

I’ll go on a pussy parade as I’m ready for this jelly
As for you, you’re so far in the closet you may as well be R. Kelly

If I was in a tribe, it’d be one called ‘Quest’
You may question my integrity but don’t you know that I’m the best?

I’m fairly under qualified and I don’t have a long term plan
You asked if I could kick it? Well yes of course I can

CHORUS
You won’t believe that I’m back, but I’m not sticking around for good
Everything stays the same around here
You won’t believe what I’ve seen and I’d see it all again
I live because I can with no fear

The name of this album could only ever be called ‘Good Gear’
If you’re wondering how I do it, it’s simple. I have no fear

CHORUS
You won’t believe that I’m back, but I’m not sticking around for good
Everything stays the same around here
You won’t believe what I’ve seen and I’d see it all again
I live because I can with no fear (x2)

MAKE MY DAY

First things first, I do what I like
I’m taking the world by storm, I’d rather take it by bike

It’s like I’m in Amsterdam all summer long
I’m not always right, I’m just never wrong

I need never ending money for my never ending wish list
I was briefly into solvent abuse but that started and finished with Pritt Stick

(Make my, make my, make my day)
The message on my cap simply says “no dumping”
(Make my, make my, make my day)
All I ask in return is a little heavy petting and a bit of dry humping

CHORUS
I won’t always be there to send you astray,
Go ahead and surprise me, make my day
I won’t always be there, keep your feelings at bay
Go ahead and surprise me, make my day

I’m hanging harder than Saddam (did he make it?) Err not quite
You might say I’m well hung, I was dick double on that film Boogie Nights

You’ve dressed like you’re on your gap year for way too long
You’re not never right, you’re just always wrong

Drinking’s only cool if you’re underage
Driving’s only fun if you’re drunk or with road rage

(Make my, make my, make my day)
I go to AA for free food when everywhere else is shut
(Make my, make my, make my day)
I’m Bruno, I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just here to fuck shit up

CHORUS
I won’t always be there to send you astray,
Go ahead and surprise me, make my day
I won’t always be there, keep your feelings at bay
Go ahead and surprise me, make my day

I don’t care if people think I’m stupid if it means they listen when I say something that’s not
You try so hard to keep the peace, I want people to be shocked!

CHORUS
I won’t always be there to send you astray,
Go ahead and surprise me, make my day
I won’t always be there, keep your feelings at bay
Go ahead and surprise me, make my day

YOU NEED ME

MY LIFE, MY LIFESTYLE

Most things I say aren’t serious, I probably think I’m funnier than I am

I didn’t think I could wear hats, I was told my head was just too fat
That was until I realised I could snap back the snap back on my snap back cap

This is no competition, your practical jokes aren’t even that practical
You said you’ve got wisdom on your side, I’m telling you you’re not even that tactical

Now I tend to lie a lot and I couldn’t be more sarcastic
But bother me does it not, I know I’m fantastic

Most things I say aren’t serious, I probably think I’m funnier than I am

I own more shoes than most girls but I haven’t bought a new pair in a while
All my money goes on clothes and drink, but that’s my life, that’s my lifestyle

I know it won’t last forever, I’m not that far in denial
I’m happy living how I am, it’s my life, it’s my lifestyle

CHORUS

You can’t squash me
I’m not a butternut
Not many can stop me
So you better not (x2)
I hope you know, you know, you know…
You can’t squash me
I’m not a butternut
Not many can stop me
So you better not

You think you’re gonna win, you just don’t stand a chance
You think you’ll beat me but we won’t see your victory dance (x2)

You can’t squash me
I’m not a butternut
Not many can stop me
So you better not (x2)
I hope you know, you know, you know…
You can’t squash me
I’m not a butternut
Not many can stop me
So you better not

P.S. I LOVED YOU

I’m not here to make your dreams, I’m here to break your heart
You could never do the things I do, believe me it’s an art

Verse 1′s about me, I never say what I mean
I’d like to think it’s endearing but that remains to be seen

If I don’t like what you’re wearing, I’ll ask what have you come as?
It’s your turn to do the chasing but believe me I can run fast

If you gain weight when you’re happy, I’ll do my best to make sure you’re sad
You won’t stay with me forever, but you’re gonna wish you had

I could never be a porn star, I’d become too emotionally involved
You’d be ready for the big finish, I’d be looking for the side of the pillow that’s cold

You’ll probably hear lots about me, most of it’s not true
This isn’t one of those things, P.S. I loved you

CHORUS
I won’t take you to dinner babe, I won’t even buy you lunch
You could never do what I do, I do all my own stunts

I’m not here to make your dreams, I’m here to break your heart
You could never do the things I do, believe me it’s an art

Verse 2′s about you, you think you know how I’m feeling?
It’s your heart that needs mending, mine’s fully done healing

Before I go any further, I guess I should watch where I’m treading
I knew I recognised you from somewhere, weren’t you on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding?

Most dictators are dick takers, and you did take a lot of dick
This relationship has finished but you did not dictate it

Now let’s be more than honest, you know there’s plenty of pork in this sausage
My dreams are taking shape, you won’t be able to stop this

You’ll probably hear lots about me, most of it’s not true
This isn’t one of those things, P.S. I loved you

CHORUS
I won’t take you to dinner babe, I won’t even buy you lunch
You could never do what I do, I do all my own stunts

I’ve been going through the motions
Good things have been approaching
If you’re burning in the sun I won’t pass you the lotion
I’m making a change, let’s start to cause some commotion

CHORUS
I won’t take you to dinner babe, I won’t even buy you lunch
You could never do what I do, I do all my own stunts

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE AREN’T FREE

People often tell me I bite my nose to spite my face
That’s simply not true, so please excuse me now if you can’t hack the pace

I was told never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco
And don’t complain that your soups gone cold, you know full well it’s gazpacho

I’m not a nervous person, I just always seem to have cold feet
And if you’re yet to see me topless, I hope you know you’re in for a treat

You’re never meant to know how good something is until it’s lost
But distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, fondness does

CHORUS
The best things in life aren’t free
I charge by the hour and you can’t kiss me

I’m no puss in boots but I look good in boots
And if the shoe was on the other foot, I maintain I’d still look cute

I may be clutching at straws but I want to be looked at in awe,
my drinks to be free and to drink them using the very last straw

I’d be a comedian but could never fill a room with enough laughter
I know life’s not a fairy tale but I still plan on living happily ever after

The world’s not your oyster, not everyone will see how bright you can shine
Let’s make one thing clear; the world’s not yours, it’s mine

CHORUS
The best things in life aren’t free
I charge by the hour and you can’t kiss me

There’s something you should know, believe me this won’t take long
The best things in life aren’t free, so please don’t get me wrong
My name’s Bruno Hobbs and you’re not gonna find me on match.com

CHORUS
The best things in life aren’t free
I charge by the hour and you can’t kiss me (x2)

TIME’S UP

GRAVEYARD SHIFT

Girlfriends are overrated, however girls are not
Why would I settle for one when I could have the whole lot?

I want a girl who spends as much money as me, we’ll have to be so rich
Someone who knows it’s not cool to go out in Shoreditch

They’ll need to have bigger boobs than me, baring in mind I’m pretty flat chested
Hygiene is key so keep yourself clean, I don’t need another reason to have to go and get tested

They talk about bro’s before hoe’s, but I look for slit before dick
We both ended this relationship, I know I did my bit

CHORUS
Graveyard shift (x8)
Well I was lost when I met you, should’ve pushed you way
I felt a thrill when I met you but that did not stay

You’re not bringing sexy back, you’re bringing hairy back
I’ve booked you in for a Back, Sack ‘n’ Crack, you’ll have to warn them you don’t have a sack

I want a girl who’ll always give me goosebumps, but unlike the books I don’t ever want to be in for a scare
I want someone who will try and impress me, so please no yetis, I don’t want to see hair down there

You said let’s take this to the bedroom, chains and whips excite you and you wanna hear me scream?

Sometimes I wind people up, just to get a reaction
But when I wind you up, I’m still guarenteed some dick on slit action

CHORUS
Graveyard shift (x8)
Well I was lost when I met you, should’ve pushed you way
I felt a thrill when I met you but that did not stay

I don’t really want another graveyard shift
It’s just sometimes when I’m drunk it’s quite hard to resist
I’d do it again, it’s just not worth the risk
Not that I’m bad at sex, just a bit clit and miss

CHORUS
Graveyard shift (x8)
Well I was lost when I met you, should’ve pushed you way
I felt a thrill when I met you but that did not stay

THE NEARLY MAN

I’m so original, they call me Adidas
I took my driving test drunk, how did I ever pass?

I’m only 21, I found my first grey
I tried my best to hide them but they’re here to stay

I’ve always liked Mr King, he gave people hope things could only get better
I too once had a dream, only mine was slightly wetter

I didn’t fulfill my potential at school, I guess that’s why they call me the nearly man
Teacher’s would say, “Can you answer this question?”. No but I’ll tell you what, I nearly can

CHORUS
Don’t tell me I’m close to greatness (I don’t wanna know who I nearly am) x2
I won’t settle for second best (I won’t ever be known as the nearly man) x2

I’m a good boy, I’m not a bad egg, so don’t you ever call me a bad man
I’ve never understood salami, oh wait a minute! Isn’t it just bad ham?

I used to put on magic shows in the bottom floor of my house (that’s the cellar)
I’m just not sure the world was ready for a younger, more attractive version of Penn and Tellar

I spend too long in front of the mirror, I guess that’s why they call me the nearly man
I’m perfectly aware how to look good naked so I don’t need to be told by Mr Gok Wan

CHORUS
Don’t tell me I’m close to greatness (I don’t wanna know who I nearly am) x2
I won’t settle for second best (I won’t ever be known as the nearly man) x2

CHORUS
Don’t tell me I’m close to greatness (I don’t wanna know who I nearly am) x2
I won’t settle for second best (I won’t ever be known as the nearly man) x2
CHORUS
Don’t tell me I’m close to greatness (I don’t wanna know who I nearly am) x2
I won’t settle for second best (I won’t ever be known as the nearly man) x2

I’ve got more twists than a Bop-It! If you ask me to continue, I’m only gonna stop it

#allalbumsareamazing

Here’s the full collection

So I sorted the good ones

And then

And then

That’ll do

The finished article

Such an eventful day

IAV